Memoir of a Lost Cause!

The life we live and the life that comes to us, is entirely different, in case even a single step is misdefined. No matter how much you defy or delay it, the inevitable catches up. This inevitability is something that makes us realize that life can run you out of options really fast. One fine day you have everything, a good life, an unshakable support structure and all the goodness in the world, another moment you are struck by the realization that nothing was true.

A step towards something that makes utter sense to you, does contemplate a different entirety for someone else. The quantum of life has an entire proportion of itself dedicated to fucking up things. In other words, life just needs one single reason to change or sabotage everything up by changing one single rule or equation.

Have I lived a wrongful life? Did I do enough to justify myself and my actions? I ask myself this question every day. Some might call me self-righteous and some might call me moonstruck. But does it matter?

The decisions taken in a micro-second, the path I chose to walk upon, had led me to a constant state of regression. It stays with me, the form of a capital punishment that ends for everybody, stays with me and suffocates the life out of me, every day.

Am I living a lost cause? Did I wrong someone or an entire life? Was I this blind to see that the path I walked on was wrong and I kept on walking? Thinking maybe, I am right?

The places I visit, the things I do, the people I speak with and the operations I take care of, are all the things that don’t matter anymore.

God, oh why, I have this hole in my heart, I can’t fill. I cry out to myself, I dry my sins, I think of times, I was right, I was correct. Its all in my heart, the way I start, the things I do, the foes that go(es). Out in the open, I make no sense, though my heart and mind tell me to go on. I cry and fry myself within the said prims of the glory I once had that dissolved in my sins.

The End of Line

A state of thoughtfulness, indulging parity between peers, a constant regression that led me to where sense loses you. Arguing to stay intact, to overcome the diaspora of oneself, makes it all a gloom filled and saturated mask of life, the mask that will never have what’s needed to overcome the constant feeling of despondency. I walk feeling righteous, yet narcissism flowing through my veins. Yes, I feel narcissistic, why? When you catechize your own self, you get to realize your reality that sometimes might not often be visible.

Thousand moments of happiness and a few of despair, thousand things to love and a few not to care. A rigorous and constant abrasion of life, grinding my thoughts and again making me stand where I never wished I be, I am.

The heaviness of the mistakes, the regret of uncompliant moments, unbecoming of my own self, bewitching once, ugly now, me and my reality both lay on the ground, to be judged and to be ripped apart and thrown away. From a cherished one to an abomination, I became a devil in disguise. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, a sanction from hell, I burn where none would heal, I churn where none would yield.

I walk to justify the unforgiving, I walk towards the summation of my life. Cannot find the start of the line, yet cannot contemplate the end, I walk. I walk to let go of everything and to stop any more of the starts. I walk towards the stop that’s full and leads nowhere.

Chaos, Code, Success

I, What I am!

I started off as a good human being, I suppose. The common saying suggests that there is never only black & white, but that line of grey the world works on. As a naïve being, I used to think, no, I will not take the path of grey in life. Came to me the gift of logic, logic for coding, and life took me up to a level where one & zero (1,0) took up the entirety of my time.

The code doesn’t lie, it doesn’t cheat, it doesn’t manipulate. Revisiting the last statement, the code doesn’t do all those things to its coder. Though the code can do all those things for its coder, and that’s the definition of truth.

I started off as a “normal” human being, I suppose. Climbing up the ladder & checking multiple checkboxes at ones, I reached a place where only return() seemed like a sane option. I returned.

Being vested in something to an extent that you deprive yourself of the worldly charms, to just live your life, without collecting memorabilia might one day disprove your entire life & discredit your story.

Not following the herd, makes me not-normal, as iterated and suggested by the herd. “Common” human psyche suggests that everyone wants better in life, everyone wants to feel special & to get out of this common herd. The same people who vindicate me for being “not normal”, want to be not normal and stand out of the herd. A platitude, a cliché or what else might I call it.

The day has come when the value of one’s word solely depends on the things they have from the time in question. We, the people have started an era where there is no value at all for a bond between two people. All that matters is what can you prove. Crediting & discrediting comes based on the corroboration of your story.

Chaos. Life, Success…

I have always subjugated a theory. I shall call it the “theory of Chaos” (Not the CHAOS theory). I stand at a viewpoint, a moral high ground so that I can assert right from wrong. All my loved ones, should feel loved & ‘cared’ for, doesn’t give me a GOD complex, but provides me with the ultimate satisfaction of being able to give & take some happiness in the misery of day to day life.

Dictating wishes, while cosying up on your bed is way too easy, then going out in the world & making them come true.

Here, chaos occurs, when you get things done by just opening your mouth, the person who does all the work, will one day get slow at completing these tasks. Overlapping desires & time crunch will lead to this chaos, why? Out of 100 said things, if only one (1) doesn’t get fulfilled, you will, in turn, be labelled as a bad human being! Desires take that huge a role, that you get lost in this chaos.

A just cause for someone, a knife walk for me.

It gets worse. When you start to think, “I am needed”, life slaps you in the face and says “No, you are not”, why? Because people are replaced with more people & tasks are delegated. It doesn’t matter or makes a difference, who does it.

Success, a word for some, a day to day milestone for others. I have answered this one before. What is ‘success’? For some, it is that ultimate milestone that makes the world go shiny. The place where life takes the perfect shape they wanted.

But, isn’t success meant to be directly proportional to happiness? Not necessarily! In today’s world. If you are able to make each day that goes by, worth living, if you had a smile on your face or you were made to feel special, it’s ‘success’. At least I believe so!

When you waste or rather screw each day over and over and over for an infinite period of time, you don’t know the meaning of success. When you delay, or start to schedule happiness based on factors and time that is yet to come, you are delaying your success. Happiness can never be scheduled. It can be felt, “NOW”!

The Endgame…

The day you start to feel small, smaller than the world around you, it’s time to stop and rethink your life choices. Having a fair idea of your place in the world, rather achieving that state of self-actualization is a necessity for a happy today and a bright tomorrow. Something to Ponder on…

Me, The Antagonizing alien

We, the ones that carry empathy, love & kindness are often the ones carrying hate, rage & anger. It’s the mere habit to encapsulate things that fall into place & the things that fall out of it. Cushioning every thought that comes to your mind makes you a better human being, yet it becomes imperative that you make “others” understand the true meaning of the words you speak.

Speech is a powerful tool. It proves vital in both “construction & destruction” depending on the way you channel your words. Every person has this inner circle that they depend on, be comfortable with, can talk to, live with any time. If for some reason that inner circle starts to fall apart, who would you choose to blame? You might question and think, “is it me? am I changing? am I doing something wrong? Why the people who used to understand me, without me uttering a single word? now fail to understand my cry for help & my plea for support“.

Someone once told me “It’s not the other person” “Try to take your ego out of the equation & you will understand, it’s not the world against you, but you against yourself”.

What if, some fine day you wake up to realize that you drove away everyone who cared for you? What if, you finally understand that no matter what, how much, how significant part you play in the lives of your loved ones, you have to “not expect” anything. The idea that you will be treated the same way that you treat others, the idea that you will be loved, supported or cared about the way that you do, is moot, as it lacks sanity.

It was you, who decided to support someone, to be the strong point. Why would you expect the other one to do the same? The choice isn’t yours!

I woke up this morning to realize that it’s not what you do that matters, its what you fail to do that matters. Turned meanings, blank faces, ugly words, that’s not ill fate, that’s the end result of you commemorating yourself. In this very world, communication fails because “we listen, not to understand, but to reply”.

Asylum from the UnSound

Engrossed by thoughts, a constant feeling of unworthiness propagating pain to my soul, thus jolting me back to reality. It’s like I am running around chasing a dream, a dream that has led to me a state of constant dispersal.

It all started as a sublime thought, but how & when It all turned & took me to a place, a place of no return is still an inquest to me. A future set on the wrong foundation could be the prime mover, but is that all? Does that satisfy the embarkation of my senses?

That infernal feeling of spending every day as a day in purgatory, as the whole barbed & tormented taction of life gets too much to take, I crawl to find that single moment of serenity.

I thrive to get, yet fail, not giving up, as helplessness is not my cup of tea. I strive & cast myself to ensure that I get up to face entirety again. Why? Why did I start in the first place? Why did I not get that one shelter from this unjust world? Why don’t I ? have that asylum from the unsound?