When My Time Came

Part 1 | Me, Me and US

 

I was born in a family who had a small house in the foothills of a hilly town of Mussoorie. I remember everyone calling it Rajpur. Though I didn’t come to live with my family for long, I still have some recall about them. My dad was a street thug and more of a heart throb. He had a way of life, everyone who looked at him was instantaneously mesmerized by his presence. As with most bad boys, he didn’t stick with us for long. We were six brothers and sisters; our mom was very hard working and had a habit of not sitting in one place for long. Her in-laws were not particularly supportive of her and despite of her being pregnant, they used to beat her and deprive her of food for durations.

Then, I was born. When I was born, I had an innate sense of fear towards the world. Maybe because my mom had to go through hell when I was in her belly. I can still sense her running to protect me from those savages that left nothing to hurt her and me. I used to cry and try to help her, but as I was too small, I really just couldn’t do anything.

Right after my birth, I started to notice that everything and everyone around me wanted to play with me. People used to pick me up and kiss me with love, cuddle me till they have had enough of me. I used to wonder, why are they doing this? But, at the very same time, I used to feel a sense of warmth inside me every single time someone wanted to tend to me.

Things were kind of hazy for the first few days, I barely remember seeing my mom for all I care. However, with time everything started to get a bit clearer. I was praised because I had fair skin and everybody said that I had very cute eyes. I was loved. But still my mom wasn’t. She was made to earn every bite she ate and that made me anxious and angry.

Days started to pass and finally the world became a bit clear to me. I noticed greed, opportunism, self-centeredness and self-righteous to the level where I just couldn’t understand what was I supposed to get from all this. From my stand point, world was a happy place, at least it is supposed to be. But it wasn’t. My sadness became a part of me and I started to be more quiet than usual. My mother used to often ask me to cheer up, she tried to bring me fresh food that she hunted, or gave me warm milk, but I wasn’t happy.

Then things changed!

It was the month of January in the year 2009. Air had that classical Rajpur chill. It was a bright sunny morning and I was bathing in the bright sun light, when suddenly the old Iron front door of our house opened. I could see someone standing outside but as I was busy playing, I didn’t really notice much. Then suddenly someone came in and started looking at me. I was a little scared at first, he picked me up and said “Hmmm, didn’t I finally get you back, right, Gombo”.

Continued to Part 2….

Breaking free !!!

Breaking free, from the stigmatic society, from the shackles of life, from the unwanted intrusions and the woes of sigh.

 

The stagnancy of cause and the just life without another clause.

Cannot bear the burden of self, how do I return and make it swell.

 

Continuing down the path of sorrow,

It’s justguilt, it’s just pain and no room for tomorrow.

 

I have had enough, hearing all the sounds,

sounds of morrow and sounds of the great fowl.

 

Recording myself for today and tomorrow,

No I give up, I rest full of sorrows…

 

I quit, I lose, I don’t regain, I don’t have it in me to make out of this pain.

I haven’t had a day of glory, yes, oh yes, it’s finally end of story…

 

— Shantanu Kaushik

Dessolving Sanctity

Life is not about standing out, it should be, but it’s not. It’s about following a goat path and doing what millions of people do.

The ones that stand out, the misfits, are the ones who are tagged as insane. Lunatics, moon struck and what not. These being are far from what they are perceived as.

Life strikes in ways unexplained and unexpected. You choose a path to walk upon. A path ethical, righteous and the one that causes no pain to anyone. You take life as it comes and make something of it for you.

The extremities of life are not defined when you are living the everyday life. The stigmas appear whilst you go through phases of deterioration and diagramed enigma.

You lose yourself and you work as hard as possible to make it better for everyone. The ones you love, cherish and care about, are the ones you churn your mind the most for.

The sanctity is defined in your mind, the brain works and notifies you every step of the way, on what is to come and what are you doing.

But what if every derivation of your life, every step, every single day, minute and second of your life just halts on an audit, a summation and a judgement by an extremist jury?

What if your whole life is defined by segments and packets of “unconditional fortitude”, that the other beings don’t even comprehend?

A story not authenticated, isn’t true! Is that it?

The unconditional unraveling of your own being, to cherish and cuddle a life not your own, may sometimes poison and rot the whole system that your own life is based on.

Challenging the sanctity of your being, to the level that every bit of your being seems to evaporate and dissolve with a sting that never subsides.

The ones I engraved, the ones I taught, are the ones telling me “how” and are selling what I sought” 

Unwinding, untangling the lives that came to you as strangers, you adapted, you adopted and you cared for, are the ones pointing fingers and peddling your stream to the point where even mirrors reflect lunacy.

Sanity dictates that your drift away from the ones who perceive your humbleness, your care and your understanding for your weakness, but the heart dictates another story.

How long, how well, the insanity might dictate a sane mind, to keep on churning itself to be objective is a thought that dissolves the sanctity of your being.

Stigmatized Yet Alive

Life, when segregated has compartments that are either empty or full, maybe some of them still have some space, but mostly they are either empty or full.

The question is how and why? Compartmentalization is something not everyone can achieve. But it is a feat if achieved can lead to a happy and peaceful lifestyle.

Today, at the brink of subjecting myself to the rath of eternity, I ask, where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? What was that point of no return that I passed without even noticing the warnings for my own Doomsday.

Life is like a thought, sometimes it moves so fast that it passes like one and sometimes it lingers like the other. The constant regression of one’s self will certainly lead to a state of nothing.

The panoramic outlook of life lived and the static chatter of the wrong-doing is all that remains before you to either sort or let go.

But how to do that. When a constant reminder of how wrong you have been and how unprodutive you have lived your life, is right there before you, it’s hard to let go and restart.

When wrong, bad, illogical, unjust and liar are the titles that match your being. It’s high time to rethink and illustrate what you are.

When on the verge of wiping what you believe in, rethink and reimagine, did you think of a life like this? Did you think of the stigma that might present itself on every turn and signal?

Would you want to live a life like this? A life that presents itself as walking on fire and walking towards a life where you grasp for every breath and you cry for every bit. A life where you are stigmatized yet alive.

A press to Pause

Summation of thoughts to the extent that the overlay of time passed, recedes and forms a layer between the truth and a fairy tale.

Between the said overlay of time, you either gain or lose people, stuff and everything else. The “people” here matter. When this block of time was your ‘present’, you complained about it, you loathed it. But when you look back and really think about it, it was more or less your glory block of time.

Unaware and unable to comprehend, you mostly cruise by the good times. Here is when without discernment, you just wishfully start to live unhinged and unaware of a responsibility towards your own future.

Actualising plans, without cause is setting adieu to a good future. It is when you finally take a pit dive, that you start to gather your senses, it is then that you think, ‘oh!’, i am indeed ‘just another human’.

A human with deeds worse than a demon, a human who deserves to be amongst the burning souls of hell, the one to be devoured of the life force within them and the one who ‘No matter What’ good they do, deserve to be the ones who, whose existence must get a pause, to never be un-paused.